you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
