You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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