i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
