Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I did not marry a roomba.
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