just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
