you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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