So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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