he thought i was a dude.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
