Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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