then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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