I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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