That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
