The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this will be a night to untag.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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