i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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