Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
