You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
