Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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