drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You dont lie about slip and slides
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
