Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
