we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
