Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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