What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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