I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
