Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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