So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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