The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I look better un-naked...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
