Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
