Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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