we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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