put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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