Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
