I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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