sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
