Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
