You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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