Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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