before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
