how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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