I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
