sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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