Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
