Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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