i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
