cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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