Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
this hospital has no fireball
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
