Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
