I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
