I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
