I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
