Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
